I worked in a health food store once. A guy asked me, 'If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?

I can't stop thinking like this.

If its tourist season, why cant we shoot them

It usually helps me write by reading - somehow the reading gear in your head turns the writing gear.

A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. She said, "You didn't borrow this." I said, " I will!"

When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.'

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.