When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?

What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?

All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

To me, comedy is just twisting reality. It's commenting or observing or twisting life.

A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. She said, "You didn't borrow this." I said, " I will!"