I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.

If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

I lost a button hole.

It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent. The good stuff is amazing. It's electric when you walk out there. For 90 minutes, you're on this other planet.

Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."

I took a baby shower.