I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.

I haven't changed at all. I'm the same as when I was 11.

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Women... can't live with 'em...... can't shoot 'em

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.