I was hitchhiking the other day and a hearse stopped. I said, 'No thanks, I'm not going that far.
Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.
Why are they called a-part-ments, when they're all stuck together?
I'm standing behind a wall of jokes. You don't know about my personal life, my girlfriends, or what I do when I'm not on the road. There's this guy, this comedian, and this is how he thinks, but people really don't know anything about me.
I have not lost my mind - it's backed up on disk somewhere.
I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination; I'm very grateful for that. I like that what I do is create. I'm feeling very lucky to have had the career I had. It's gone much longer and bigger than I ever thought it would be.