If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'

If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?

I saw a want ad. "light housekeeping." They said "Here, change this bulb." I said "I'll need some friends."

I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coat hanger.

I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased the all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank."