If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.

I was hitchhiking the other day and a hearse stopped. I said, 'No thanks, I'm not going that far.

I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now.

How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dis-ing them anyhow?

If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.