I was skydiving horizontally.

If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell

Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.

Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.

The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store . . . with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."

Does fuzzy logic tickle?