Day 1 -- Still tired from the move. Day 2 -- Everybody talks to me like I'm an idiot.
I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open.
Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?
I was an only child, eventually.
I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'