I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!

I didn't want to be selling insurance at 40, wondering what would it have been like to do stand-up.

I thought I would be a guy on the radio.

I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me - and I didn't hear it.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment and nobody else shows up and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.