I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?

I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store . . . with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.