Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.

If Dracula can't see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?

Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.

The sky already fell. Now what?

I took my dog for a walk... all the way from New York to Florida... I said to him "There now you're done."

One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.