You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'

I have a large sea shell collection which I keep scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen it.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

I don't go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it's contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.

It seems like we wake up and it's a race until you get to bed. It gets to you after a while and you think, 'What the hell am I doing?'