You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.

I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.

The older you get, the more you learn to see what you've been taught to see. When you're a kid, you see what's there.

I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game HE was watching was better.

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.

At one point he decided enough was enough.