You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.

I'm so hyper. (said with a very dull voice>

I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.

I was hitchhiking the other day and a hearse stopped. I said, 'No thanks, I'm not going that far.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.