Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

I went to the hardware store to buy some batteries, but they weren't included, so I had to buy them again.

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.

Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous.

The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?