I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...

I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now.

Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."

I have a quantum car. Every time I look at the speedometer I get lost.