It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.

Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.

What a nice night for an evening.

To me, comedy is just twisting reality. It's commenting or observing or twisting life.

When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.