If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.

I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.

I wish the first word I ever said was the word "quote", so right before I die I could say "unquote".

You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.