I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

I love eating chocolate cake and ice cream after a show. I almost justify it in my mind as, 'You were a good boy onstage and you did your show, so now you can have some cake and ice cream.'

I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass.

I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit .