The other day, I was walking my dog around my building . . . on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.'

The older you get, the more you learn to see what you've been taught to see. When you're a kid, you see what's there.

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.