I bought a cheap piece of land... It was on someone else’s property.

I was always making my friends laugh but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.

I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.

The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.