I bought a cheap piece of land... It was on someone else’s property.

When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?

I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.

So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I'm dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over.

My father was a small claims court jester.

I was hitchhiking the other day and a hearse stopped. I said, 'No thanks, I'm not going that far.

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read"