The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.

Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it... it feels real."

I didn't want to be selling insurance at 40, wondering what would it have been like to do stand-up.

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."

Sometimes I... No, I don't.

I bought a cheap piece of land... It was on someone else’s property.