I never even thought of myself as deadpan until someone wrote an article about me about a year after I was doing comedy. There was a paper called the 'Boston Phoenix,' and someone wrote a description of what I was doing and that's where I first saw 'deadpan.'

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.

I named my dog Stay, so I can say, 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!

I got an answering machine for my phone. . . . Now, when I'm not home and somebody calls me up . . . they hear a recording of a busy signal.