If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
I lost a button hole.
Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect.