I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.

At one point he decided enough was enough.

There's something about being in front of a live audience that's fun. It's a really interesting, very electric, very alive, and intense experience, and you can't get it anywhere else. And I've been doing it since I was 23, so it's part of my being - it's part of my fabric as a person.

Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, 'So, what did you think?

Why is the third hand on a watch called a second hand?