I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."

In hindsight, I realized I could see into the future. Which is kind of like having premonitions of flashbacks.

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.

For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

How do you get off a non-stop flight?