I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."

I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still.

Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!

I had amnesia once or twice.

I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.

I got an answering machine for my phone. . . . Now, when I'm not home and somebody calls me up . . . they hear a recording of a busy signal.

Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it... it feels real."