I have a quantum car. Every time I look at the speedometer I get lost.

If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?

Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.

[Referring to a glass of water:] I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!

To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is.

I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.

What's another word for Thesaurus?