I have a quantum car. Every time I look at the speedometer I get lost.

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.