Women... can't live with 'em...... can't shoot 'em

Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.

A cop stopped me for speeding/ He said, 'Why were you going so fast?' I said, 'See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing [mimes steering wheel]? This steers it'

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.