Women... can't live with 'em...... can't shoot 'em

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. She said, "You didn't borrow this." I said, " I will!"

I was hitchhiking the other day and a hearse stopped. I said, 'No thanks, I'm not going that far.

Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.

You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.