When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say it all the right way. It's funny how different it looks and how it's happening. There are three Fellini circuses in my head, and outwardly it looks like I'm going to get a bagel.

If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'

Half the people you know are below average.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.