The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.

[Referring to a glass of water:] I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!

How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dis-ing them anyhow?

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'

I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I've read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it's the same.

I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?