If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

Hermits have no peer pressure.

Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity. If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick

I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on 'The Tonight Show.' There's truly nothing like it; it's intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual.

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?