A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. She said, "You didn't borrow this." I said, " I will!"

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was 'woman.

My doctor told me I shouldn't work out until I'm in better shape. I told him, 'All right; don't send me a bill until I pay you.'

I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.

Sometimes I talk to myself in languages I'm unfamiliar with... just to screw with my subconscious.

Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?