A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. She said, "You didn't borrow this." I said, " I will!"

Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read.

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.

Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-guy who presents what he's written.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, 'So, what did you think?