A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. She said, "You didn't borrow this." I said, " I will!"

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.

I eat Swiss cheese from the inside out.

My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage.

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything toda