I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was 'woman.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?

When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.' I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they're influenced by me - it's bizarre.

Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?