I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was 'woman.

You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game HE was watching was better.

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you’re not using?

Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

Sometimes I talk to myself in languages I'm unfamiliar with... just to screw with my subconscious.