I took a lie detector test the other day. No, I didn't.

When I was 16... I worked in a pet store. And they fired me because... they had three snakes in there, and one day I braided them.

When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.

You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, 'If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?' I said, 'No.' She said, 'Okay, forget it.

Why are they called a-part-ments, when they're all stuck together?