I took a lie detector test the other day. No, I didn't.

I turned my air conditioner the other way around and it got cold out. The weatherman said 'I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today.' I said, oops

I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said 'cut it out'

Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

My mother is from another time - the funniest person to her is Lucille Ball; that's what she loves. A lot of times she tells me she doesn't know what I'm talking about. I know if I wasn't her son and she was flipping through the TV and saw me, she would just keep going.