One day a guy tried to rob me on the street, and I had no money. So I charged him.

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over, the cop looks at it [moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly], and says, "Here, you can go"

The older you get, the more you learn to see what you've been taught to see. When you're a kid, you see what's there.

My father was a small claims court jester.

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

I don’t have to walk my dog anymore. I walked him all at once.

[Referring to a glass of water:] I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!