One day a guy tried to rob me on the street, and I had no money. So I charged him.

I turned my air conditioner the other way around and it got cold out. The weatherman said 'I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today.' I said, oops

I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it.

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?

A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. She said, "You didn't borrow this." I said, " I will!"

I'm a peripheral visionary.

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'