I lost a button hole.

I bought a cheap piece of land... It was on someone else’s property.

I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.

When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.' I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they're influenced by me - it's bizarre.

They say the universe is expanding. That should help with the traffic.

I didn't want to be selling insurance at 40, wondering what would it have been like to do stand-up.