Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
Why are they called a-part-ments, when they're all stuck together?
I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.
The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "Right here, officer."