My mother is from another time - the funniest person to her is Lucille Ball; that's what she loves. A lot of times she tells me she doesn't know what I'm talking about. I know if I wasn't her son and she was flipping through the TV and saw me, she would just keep going.

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!

I saw a want ad. "light housekeeping." They said "Here, change this bulb." I said "I'll need some friends."

The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.

I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.

One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.