I bought a dog the other day. . . . I named him Stay. It's fun to call him. . . . "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.

I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.

Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-guy who presents what he's written.

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

Why doesn’t the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?

The other day, I was walking my dog around my building . . . on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

43.7 per cent of all statistics are made up on the spot.