I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'

I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.