I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'

I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game HE was watching was better.

I saw a want ad. "light housekeeping." They said "Here, change this bulb." I said "I'll need some friends."

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

I saw a tree fall in the woods, and I didn't hear it.

I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.

What's another word for Thesaurus?