When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.

I went to the hardware store to buy some batteries, but they weren't included, so I had to buy them again.

I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.

I just lost a buttonhole.

Day 1 -- Still tired from the move. Day 2 -- Everybody talks to me like I'm an idiot.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

What do batteries run on?