When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.

I saw a want ad. "light housekeeping." They said "Here, change this bulb." I said "I'll need some friends."

They say the universe is expanding. That should help with the traffic.

When I was 16... I worked in a pet store. And they fired me because... they had three snakes in there, and one day I braided them.

I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.

I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.