I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.

I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.

I heard that in relativity theory, space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.

I got an answering machine for my phone. . . . Now, when I'm not home and somebody calls me up . . . they hear a recording of a busy signal.

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat