I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.

I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house.

There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back, you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.

I was born by Caesarian section . . . but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is.

I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. They were mad.