I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.

If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?

I have not lost my mind - it's backed up on disk somewhere.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.

While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: "Do I know you?"

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.