My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.

All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.

The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?

Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

Sometimes I talk to myself in languages I'm unfamiliar with... just to screw with my subconscious.

Whatever happened to preparations A through G?