My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.

One day a guy tried to rob me on the street, and I had no money. So I charged him.

I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start.