My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.

I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.'

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.

Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it... it feels real."

I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.