My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.

I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game HE was watching was better.

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.

Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.