My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.

I took my dog for a walk... all the way from New York to Florida... I said to him "There now you're done."

Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

I got a dog and named him 'Stay'. Now, I go 'Come here, Stay!' After a while, the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all.

I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The whole time.