My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.

The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store . . . with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

[Referring to a glass of water:] I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!

I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.

I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house.

Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."