Day 1 -- Still tired from the move. Day 2 -- Everybody talks to me like I'm an idiot.

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

I was born by Caesarian section . . . but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.

My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?

I saw a want ad. "light housekeeping." They said "Here, change this bulb." I said "I'll need some friends."