Day One: Still tired from the move.

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'

Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.