I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That's still what I am doing. The end.

I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.

So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I'm dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over.

When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.' I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they're influenced by me - it's bizarre.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.