I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn't give them to someone else, even for money. It just wouldn't seem right.

There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back, you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.

All those who believe in psychokinesis - raise my hand.

I laugh all the time - at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don't laugh onstage because then it's serious business.

I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.