I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house.

I bought a dog the other day. . . . I named him Stay. It's fun to call him. . . . "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.

Sometimes I talk to myself in languages I'm unfamiliar with... just to screw with my subconscious.

If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.

I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything toda