Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dis-ing them anyhow?

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.

I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store and said, "Give me another ten guppies, I got a lot of calls yesterday."

A metaphor is like a simile.