Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things.

Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.

When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say it all the right way. It's funny how different it looks and how it's happening. There are three Fellini circuses in my head, and outwardly it looks like I'm going to get a bagel.

Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?