What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'

One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous.

I named my dog Stay, so I can say, 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!

Smoking cures weight problems, eventually.