All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

If Dracula can't see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?

I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.

Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.

I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.