I just lost a buttonhole.

I paint; I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.

You know, the New Testament is pretty old. I think they should call them the Old Testament and the Most Recent Testament.

I live at the end of a dead end one way street. I don't know how I got there.

When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.