I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coat hanger.

I wish the first word I ever said was the word "quote", so right before I die I could say "unquote".

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.

The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.

The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store . . . with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.