The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store . . . with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."

The other day, I was walking my dog around my building . . . on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

I have a map of the united states .... it's original size ... it says one mile equals one mile.

I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called "They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring."