George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

Day One: Still tired from the move.

Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous.

One day, when I came home from work, I accidentally put my car key in the door of my apartment building. I turned it, and the whole building started up. So I drove it around. A policeman stopped me for going too fast. He said, "Where do you live?" I said, "Right here!" Then I drove my building onto the middle of a highway, and I ran outside, and told all of the cars to get the hell out of my driveway.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

A cop stopped me for speeding/ He said, 'Why were you going so fast?' I said, 'See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing [mimes steering wheel]? This steers it'