I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."

When I was 16... I worked in a pet store. And they fired me because... they had three snakes in there, and one day I braided them.

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.

They say the universe is expanding. That should help with the traffic.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.

It seems like we wake up and it's a race until you get to bed. It gets to you after a while and you think, 'What the hell am I doing?'